The Waiting Rooms Café has always prided itself on being cool and contemporary.

For the past few years the Palmers Green meeting place / café / gallery / jazz forum / organic food centre, has boasted some of the most bohemian customers in north London, drawn by such staples as carrot cake and Mars Bar vodka, as well as the amusing anecdotes of owner Phillip Chard.

Well, Phillip has decided to sell up shop and, in typically maverick style, has chosen a feng shui expert to help him with the process.

The idea is to make the café even more appealing for potential owners by stimulating its inherent “energy”, and to introduce feng shui to Palmers Green.

“I just decided I wanted an alternative way to sell my café,” said Phillip. “As far as I know, n one in Palmers Green has used feng shui in their business and I was ust intrigued to see how, or if, it would work.

“I’m a bit of a sceptic but I thought ‘why not’? The Waiting Rooms has always been a bit alternative so I thought it appropriate to continue the theme and try to sell it with a little help from an expert in alternative remedy.”

The expert in questions was Muswell Hill resident Kenny D’Cruz. Kenny styles himself as a “life doctor” and helps people “unlock their potential” through focusing on their environment.

After talking about themselves Kenny goes around the person’s home or business and suggests changes in colour, structure, design and placement to make the space happier or more productive for the individual concerned.

If, for example, a couple is expecting a baby, Kenny could be called in to suggest any changes in the house which might be more conducive to the new arrival.

“There is a place for anything in an environment,” he said. “I start by working out a matrix for that particular person. The matrix splits someone’s life and environment into different areas and my job is to find out how these areas relate to one another and how the energy can flow better between them.”

All this sounds like hokum to me, but Kenny quickly jumps in to defend his living.

“For those who don’t believe I say ‘good’. Because now we can start from scratch and, anyway, there’s no fun preaching to the converted!”

Let’s get to work then. Following a talk with Phillip, Kenny goes outside to have a look at the café.

“This is a crucial area because it’s here where people make decisions whether to come in or not,” he observed.

“It’s position on a hill is a great bonus for a café, the energy can easily flow both ways and I would perhaps put a convex mirror on the side of the café, facing one way, to catch some of this energy and channel it back into the café.

“But, as you can see, it’s not the most attractive area and to sell the business you would also need to stimulate light and sound, by perhaps hanging a small crystal ball and a wind chime to increase business.

“I would also paint around the area, perhaps in a rusty red colour, which is a good yang colour. Phillip needs to reclaim this area and dump the sign!”

Back inside, Kenny’s obsession with mirrors continues. “I would take down that noticeboard and put up a mirror,” he said. “The café is quite small and the mirror would make the place look bigger. I would also put up a small mirror over this long bench to catch some of the energy going from one end to the other.

“More plants are needed to generate energy, perhaps behind the counter, but I do like these metallic tables and railway-style bench which seem to draw on the café’s history as a railway ticket office.”

Kenny then gets out his dowsing rods to discover where the electro-magnetic energy of the café is located.

Watching Kenny staring intently at his spinning rods does look slightly ridiculous, but I cannot deny the common sense he talks, which has certainly impressed Phillip.

“Most of his comments are quite valid and it has made me think about the café in a different way,” he admitted. “He told me the café will make money and, even though I am still a little bit sceptical, I will certainly consider the tips he has given me.”